To begin with, I can just say that I don't really like writing too personal stuff in blogs, but this once I made an exception.
I think a lot of people might feel like I have been ignoring them lately, to be honest I haven't really socialized with any of my close friends in ages, that goes for Skype and mail as well.
The biggest reason for this however is that I fell into a depression about 2 months ago, and I still haven't gotten out of it. I've only ever had a serious depression once in my life a few years ago and it really scares me. The feeling of just not being able to feel genuinely happy no matter what, going around with a plastered on smile because you don't wanna walk around looking like the heap of self pity that you actually feel like.
Sometimes you don't know why depressions suddenly occur, but in this case I guess it was the after shock of losing a dear family member suddenly at the beginning of the year and then being so brutally stressed and busy in school that there was pretty much no time for just sitting down and taking a breath. So, suddenly everything just crashed. And ever since that happened all I've wanted to do was to go back to Sweden. I've even been close to quitting school since I've felt it's just too much to take all classes in Japanese and I've also completely lacked motivation. However I had a long talk with my teacher (who is a wonderful guy) and he talked me into at least go through with the internship and see how I feel after that.
I could frigging offer my right arm to feel really happy again, happy as in "normally" happy and not just a feeling that last for a couple of hours. Like the old Tess used to be. I'm sure it will go back to normal some day, what scares me though is that what if I won't be truly happy again if I stay on this track, what if moving back to Sweden is what I really need to do? It's not like my life is gonna get any less stressful from now on, rather the other way around.
Moving back to Sweden is not that simple though, if it was just me, fine, but bringing my bf with me (which of course I would do), not simple at all. There are just so many obstacles that I really don't know how to overcome if we moved.
I just want a god damn break from life. Unfortunately there's no breakes in a looong while.
I hate this feeling, I hate it so much, I'm not a quitter, I'm a fighter, that's why I hate having this feeling. I have so much in my life to be grateful and happy for. I know it's not my fault, I didn't decide I was gonna get depressed, but still I get so angry at my self for having ended up like this.
I can't say enough how much I love my bf for standing by me while being like this, god knows he hasn't had an easy time as of late with my horrible mood. If it hadn't been for him I'd left Japan a long time ago. And I don't know if maybe that is part of my problem, I'm not really in Japan for my own sake anymore, I'm here for our sake, and I think that is what has led me to have pretty much no motivation, I'm just running on some sort of drive out of necessity.
I will do my very best to get back to being my normal happy self, I just wanna say sorry to people for being like I am right now, I just need time.
And sorry for making such an overwhelmingly long post .___. But it felt really good to just write this :)
